"48"
Early Rumors from the Next Administration
Image: Cannon & Caius
From the Editor and Author: The following is a Thomas satirical preview because sometimes the republic needs a deep breath and a laugh.
Washington insiders are whispering that the mysterious political figure known only as “48” may usher in a dramatically different era at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
Thomas cannot independently confirm these reports, but our sources – many of whom still read books voluntarily – suggest the following changes may be coming:
A Prosperity Republic will replace the current national strategy of “hope your eggs are affordable by Thursday.
Truth, transparency, and tested ethics may reportedly return to the nation’s capital in a classified operation known as: Operation Adult Supervision.
Tariffs may once again become something economists discuss quietly instead of something Americans discover emotionally at Target.
The U.S. Department of Justice and FBI may return to the radical concept of investigating actual crimes instead of cable television and pundit enemies lists.
White House Design Sources Are Alarmed
The endangered list has been updated:
A gold-less Oval Office is rumored to be re-emerging.
Historians confirm this may reduce the nation’s visible chandelier and gaudy trinkets exposure by 99%.
Sources also suggest the Rose Garden may once again contain roses.
In a shocking development, Mar-a-Lago patio umbrellas are expected to be peacefully relocated back to southern Florida where they can live among their own kind.
Reports indicate Tennessee – the actual paver – may return to the West Colonnade after a prolonged exile from normal 47th White House decorating standards.
The Kennedy Center Situation
Cultural analysts are cautiously optimistic that the Kennedy Center may once again focus on the arts under the banner, “The Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts.”
Also heard:
The Pentagon is excited to get its name back, happy to be defensive once again.
Broadway performers and other name artists reportedly reacted emotionally upon hearing they may no longer need to audition for cabinet positions.
PBS, the Smithsonian, the Fed, FEMA, and other venerable public icons are said to be breathing sighs of relief.
Transportation and Aviation Reform
Donald J. Trump International Airport may be renamed something more traditional, like Palm Beach International Airport, subject to FAA-imposed restrictions from the 48th administration.
Air Force One will return to classic presidential baby blue instead of “Middle Eastern casino executive chic.”
Ethics lawyers remain divided on whether luxury aircraft gifts should legally qualify as transportation diplomacy or frequent flyer bribery like ballroom donors.
Foreign Policy Clarifications Expected
Greenland is reportedly expected to remain the nation of Greenland.
Canada is expected to be able to keep its maple leaf flags.
Mexico has allegedly informed negotiators – again – that it will not, in fact, be purchasing the wall, which 48 is just fine with.
NATO may survive another year without requiring emotional reassurance from Estonia, Finland, and future member, Ukraine.
NATO allies may once again receive phone calls beginning with, “Good morning, trusted democracy partner,” instead of, “Nice alliance you got there…”
Historical Corrections Department
The 2020 election reportedly remains not stolen.
“Russia, Russia, Russia,” may continue existing as an actual geopolitical map printing error.
January 6 may continue being difficult to explain using only tourism terminology.
Public Health Adjustments
Medical experts are optimistic that future pandemic responses may avoid:
Disinfectant injections.
Ultraviolet internal cleansing.
And pharmacological improvisation via cable television enthusiasm.
Doctors nationwide have reportedly requested “less freestyle medicine.”
Energy & Economic Developments
Wartime gasoline prices may remain unpopular despite repeated government studies from the current administration concluding that Americans still enjoy having money.
Student loan borrowers continue awaiting a federal strategy more sophisticated than, “good luck everyone.”
International Affairs
Afghanistan and Iran are reportedly still refusing to become easy PowerPoint victories.
Pentagon officials continue searching for a military category between “mission accomplished” and “this is becoming awkward.”
Religious Affairs Desk
Pope Leo is expected to continue focusing on souls, morality, and the Gospel truth. The outgoing Vice President alleges this is a highly controversial development in certain political circles.
And Finally …
Reports persist that 48 may attempt the boldest reform of all: A chaos-free, drama-free White House, which caused Fox News’ stock price to tank.
Constitutional scholars remain skeptical this can be achieved in modern Washington without therapy dogs, mandatory naps, or disabling social media after 10 pm.
The incoming White House denies that they will be turning off the air conditioning in the U.S. Capitol during the months of April through October in order to keep members of Congress working in their home districts.
Political scientists did not see eliminating member retirement plans or insider stock trading as incentive enough for them to go home and do some actual work for the American taxpayer.
Still … hope springs eternal.
In the meantime, welcome to our new feature on Thomas. We call it, “48” because it will compare and contrast the differences between the 47th and future 48th presidents of the United States, God help us!
Our comedy writers are fast at work on next week’s addition. Let us know if you have any one liners of your own to share, but please keep it clean. Gen Z and Millennials are reading our mediazine!
“48: Because the republic deserves fewer infomercials and more governing.”
